TOP SECRET

REALLY TOP SECRET

WHICH MEANS YOU DON'T EVEN TELL YOUR MUM WHEN SHE CALLS

Sir,

As you are aware, for the last month we have been examining the recently arrived black box from the missing Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel, Red Dwarf. We are now ready to release our findings.

The box is indeed genuine, as proven by the sticky donut fingerprints on its keypad (cf. Captain Frank Hollister). It seems to have travelled back an estimated three million years, as confirmed by the carbon dating of a decaying lump of hot dog (cf. Captain Frank Hollister again).

We currently believe this time-travel to have occurred via the box traversing the omni-zone and accelerating through a black hole - this was deduced by the "I've Been To The Omni-Zone And Seen Infinity" sticker on its side.

The box contains detailed records of the ship's surviving crew members (off the record, sir, I've seen more capable members of the Space Corps the last time I strolled by the Canine Training Unit).

These records are taken from Red Dwarf's security cameras and data recorded by the crew's electronic life-forms: Holly, the ship's computer (cf. my paper on computer senility and general bonkersness); Kryten 2X4B 523P (series 4000 mechanoid, which, erm, hasn't been invented yet); and the light-bee of sporadically revived hologram Second Technician Arnold Judas Rimmer (who may be the finest case for upgrading the Space Corps screening process I've ever seen).

Additional material has been gleaned from the Blue Midget and Starbug shuttlecraft. Which, if I may say so, are not being as well treated as perhaps they might.

Details of their experiences are available online.

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