Talkie Toaster pops in to see Warden Ackerman - the most dangerous thing to hit prisons since the electric chair.

Name:	'Nicey' Ackerman
Occupation:	Prison Warder
Qualifications:	Certified law diploma. Certified self-defence expert. Certified psychotic.
Distinguishing Marks:	Glass eye.
Captain's Comments:	Despite claims - by the man himself - that Warden Ackerman's nick-name is 'Nicey', he seems to be almost as psychotic as the prisoners he governs. Despite a glass eye, he has met with a certain amount of success with women - a date with Patricia Carling from supplies was swiftly followed by a spot of... recreational exercise with the science officer's wife. (Note: Allegedly wearing a Batman outfit - a superhero fetish he shares with David Lister.)

Howdy doodly-doo!

What on Earth does that mean?

I'm sorry, I was going for a chirpy 'hello'!

Let me tell you something. I don't like chirpy. I don't like those who are chirpy. I don't even like people who use the word chirpy, okay? So un-chirp, de-chirp, and let's leave this a chirp-free zone.

Hey, whatever you say. Can I ask you a question?

What?

Would you like some -

And if you so much as mention toast, I'll start dropping sharp cutlery into your bread slot.

Okay... How about telling me when you first decided to enter the prison service.

Much better. Well, when I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody's help - in anyway...

I think you'll find those are the lyrics to a Beatles song...

Really?

'Help'.

I never touched you! I wasn't even close! He fell down the stairs, he fell down the stairs! Now listen, if you tell anyone about this -

Er, 'Help' was the name of the song...

Oh, right, sorry. Force of habit, y'know.

Try again - tell me how it all began for you.

I grew up on Callisto, one of the moons around Jupiter. My most vivid memory is that giant, hulking form, ever-present, heavy, dense, and just filled with gas...

Seems like Jupiter was an impressive sight!

Jupiter? It was okay - but I was talking about my father. He was an enormous man, massively overweight. I always remember the floor used to shake - even before he stood on it. He just made it nervous!

Growing up with him made me realise that I needed to keep fit, stay alert. I joined a class when I was 18 and never looked back - Belinda Barnstable's Fitness Regime. I didn't enjoy the classes - but Belinda practically lived in Spandex. The number of lazy, adolescent days I used to dream of being reincarnated as a pair of latex shorts...

So how did this super-fit teen become a prison warder?

That's all down to Belinda's husband...

He was a warden, too?

No, he caught me in bed with his wife. I was running down the street wearing a jock strap and a terrified expression when I took refuge in a recruitment shop. You'd be amazed at the benefits they had to offer... not to mention the spare uniforms they kept around.

So I took some classes - the rules of imprisonment, restraining techniques, the effect of an electrical charge on the human body - and started work.

Can you remember your first job?

My very first assignment was on a prison transport. Fantastic vessel, wonderful job. Every prisoner was deranged, psychotic and violent. An absolutely joy. Not a day went past without one of them having to be restrained, punished and unnecessarily beaten.

The prisoners were all simulants - a really dangerous, nasty bunch. We were on our way to a Justice World colony in the outer reaches of space - but I'm afraid I wasn't able to complete the journey.

How come?

Well, I was caught in a... compromising position with the first mate's girlfriend and a tube of cookie dough.

Go on...

Well, the first mate wasn't entirely happy. In fact he chased me down the corridor with a bread knife. I took refuge in one of the cryogenic escape pods which... well, just happened to escape.

Gosh!

You're not getting chirpy again, are you?

No, sorry. Ahem.

The worst thing is that I may have dropped my key cards during my sprint across one of the prison decks. I only hope the simulant prisoners didn't find them - if they got out, the results would have been catastrophic!

Would you like a crumpet? Sorry, sorry - please, put the crowbar down. Tell me how you arrived on Red Dwarf.

I was looking for a residential post, and Adelphi 12 made me great offer - six week's holiday, pension scheme and dry-cleaning expenses for all bloodstains. To get there, I took the Red Dwarf job - up in the tank, escorting and containing the 400-odd prisoners on the top secret floor 13 prison deck.

Have you been involved with the Canary suicide squad?

I used to train them. I was also the one who suggested weekly morale meetings - something to drain the spirits so they wouldn't mind dying too much. If it was essential to their psychological wellbeing, I was also permitted to beat the living hell out of them. To strengthen their character. Eventually, though, I had to leave that position.

Why was that?

Well, it all started when I was caught in bed with the morale officer's wife...

Thank you, Mr Ackerman. One final question - would you like some toast?