Talkie quivers in the presence of psychotic prisoner Kill Crazy. Will he want a crumpet?

Name:	Kill Crazy (Real name: Oswald Blenkinsop)
Occupation:	Previous: Psychotic killer (and video store clerk); Current: Prison inmate and Canary
Qualifications:	Psychosis. Madness. Lunacy. Being bonkers. Playing without a full deck. Dancing to the beat of a no-armed drummer.
Distinguishing Marks:	Fading bruise on forehead (see below)
Captain's Notes:	The kind of prison inmate who thinks he can take on a T-Rex with his bare hands, Kill Crazy is the model Canary. (Note: Which is to say, psychotic, violent and with no sense for self-preservation.) While he managed to reprogram Kryten to show shower footage of the women's wing, his skills seem best suited to, well, killing things. Sadly his involvement with the Cassandra mission was cut short when he ran into a hatchway and knocked himself cold.

Greetings Kill Crazy, would you like some toast?

Who said that?

Me, Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion!

Wow, a toaster that, like, talks! Wicked!

Well, it's the three-million-and-twenty-third century, inventions have gotten pretty sophisticated. Now, would you like some toast?

Wow, a machine that, like, makes bread all hot and stuff! Cool!

I can see this is going to be another intellectually-stimulating conversation...

Hey, you ain't stimulating nothing of mine, right? You just watch your mouth.

I don't have a mouth.

Huh? Oh, right.

Tell me how you wound up on Red Dwarf?

Well, I was working in the video store, right, and I was watching this film - Decayed Flesh 5: The Zombies Take Manhattan, a romantic comedy...

Romantic comedy?

Well, there's this bit where a zombie forces his half-eaten victim to marry him, and she's all screaming and stuff, so he pulls her head off! It was dead funny.

Hmmm...

Anyway, this woman comes up to me with, like, her five year old kid, and she says maybe I'd better not be playing that kind of film in that kind of video store.

What kind of video store was it?

It was called 'Wacky Wally's Video Wonderland'.

R-i-g-h-t...

Anyway, so I sort of followed her home and killed her entire family - for a joke, like. Next thing you know, I'm being arrested. I mean, for what? Oh, so, okay, I drove around for a bit with a string of intestine tied to the radio aerial. So the cops found a lamp made from a human head in my bedroom, plus some slippers I created out of buttocks. What, does that make me a bad guy?

Yes! I...I don't believe it. I think I've actually been stunned into silence.

Anyway, so I was put on Red Dwarf ready to be shipped off to prison. That was all right, Floor 13. Hot and cold running rats, more double-Y chromosomes than a high school football team. Amazing.

Plus you got to join up with the Canaries.

I was getting so bored, man. All cooped up, not killing nothing.

You mean you killed something?

What?

"Not killing nothing" is a double negative. It means you did kill something.

No, man, I told you, I didn't kill nothing. You must be pretty thick.

Okay, okay, never mind the corrections of grammar - tell me about joining the prison's convict army-slash-suicide squad.

That was fantastic. They give us these, like, guns, which we get to shoot stuff with. Bang! Ah, there was this one time when I came up against this huge beast thing with like, antlers and fur and that. Really dangerous thing. Staring, angry eyes, really scary. And those horn things, he could've had my eye out!

You're talking about a moose, aren't you?

Well yeah, as it turned out. This Canadian bloke had left one in stasis, to keep it fresh like, for eating. You ever had moose?

I hear it's lovely on a nice slice of toast...

Well, anyway, it'll never hurt anybody again.

You shot it?

Shot it? You think I'm that heartless and cruel.

You really want me to answer that?

Nah, I took it hand to hand. Broke every bone in its moosey body.

Moving on from the death of a mortal foe, I want to ask you about Krytie TV. You kidnapped Kryten and reprogrammed him to film footage of women's shower night...

That's right.

Okay, well, here's my question - would you like a toasted tea cake?

Nah.

Okay, here's my alternative question - what about a bagel?

No.

Okay, here's my alternative alternative question - how did a moronic gimp like you manage to programme a robot built 100 years after you were born?

Let me answer that with my friend my mallet. Say hello Mr Mallet. "Hello!"

Gulp.

Say hello to Mr Mallet, Talkie.

Um... hello Mr Mallet.

That's nice. Now, do you wanna ask me again?

Yes, right - could you explain to me where you acquired the skill and inventiveness to fully reprogram a mechanoid created a decade after your conception? It seems incongruous that it happen, though I'm sure you're of high enough intellect to achieve the task...

Eh?

Yeesh. How did you reprogram Kryten?

Oh, right. I got Saddo to do it.

Saddo?

Yeah, you know Saddo. He's Chummy's brother. He's crap at being beat up, but dead good with computers and stuff.

That was great. I got to see like real, live naked women. With no kit on. You know they have this bit with -

Yes, yes, I think I know!

And these other bits that stick out too like -

I get it!

Amazing. And if you turn em around there's this -

Please, stop!

I ain't never seen a naked woman before. Unless you count those ones on TV.

Ah right.

You know the ones - they've got long hair and, y'know, long legs. And tails too; and sometimes blokes put saddles on them and ride them over these little jumps.

I think you're talking about horses.

Am I? Oh right, yeah. But, hey, naked horses. Phwoarrr.

Finally, you'd better tell me about your experience with the time wand.

That was weird, that was. Me and Baxter tried to nick it off Lister and... oh, that other one. What's his name? The one who looks like a paranoid ferret.

Rimmer.

That's him. We wanted to have a scrap with this dinosaur in the cargo bay, and they wanted to turn it back into a sparrow. So we beat them up and nicked the time wand... at least, that's what was supposed to happen.

You nicked the wand, sure, but did you really beat him up?

Well...we tried.

What happened?

Nothing. I mean, like, actually nothing. We punched em and kicked em, gave em a right old beating. Didn't touch em. No reaction at all. That Rimmer bloke's harder than I thought. He looks like he'd collapse under a thick sheet of paper. Still, we got the time wand thingy. Used that all right.

Yeah... and accidentally turned yourselves into apes.

Um, yeah. It was cool hanging out with that hulking great hairy brute.

Baxter? Was that before or after he was ape-ified?

Before. After he got all weird. Like, friendly and gentle and stuff. Ugh! But when the time wand was wrecked, they deactivated the thing what was done to us. We made it back in time for tea.

Speaking of food, have I told you about my theory on aeroplane meals? You know how it goes straight through you? I think it goes straight through the toilet on the plane, too. All those mysterious objects falling to Earth from space? Aero-poo.

I think we'll stop there, thank you Kill Crazy...

Say thank you to Mr Mallet, too.

Thank you Mr Mallet.

That's better. Come on Mr Mallet, let's go and knock in somebody's skull.

Thank you, Kill Crazy. One final question - would you like some toast?