Talkie lays it on the breadline with Confidence - the solid hallucination of Lister's positive side.

Name:	Confidence
Occupation:	Thinking everything Lister does is amazing
Qualifications:	Adept at self-delusion
Distinguishing Marks:	Loud jacket, teeth by SupaBryte
Rimmer's Notes:	We should arrest him! He's a symptom of Lister's mutated pneumonia. Like the spots in measles, the swellings in mumps, the funny walk in cystitis.

Let's start with the important question - would you like some toast?

Boy, would I ever! Gee, how d'ya know? White bread, truckloads of butter. Bring it on, you toasting demon you.

Wha...? Really? Wow, okay, hang on, I know I had some bread around here somewhere...

Hey, why dontcha ask me a question or two while you look?

Oh, okay, sure. Tell me about Lister or something.

Lister. Oh man, now you're talking. Davey boy, the Duke of Deliciousness - what a guy. You know, you couldn't hope for a better guy to represent the human race. He's smart, resourceful, brilliant -

This is the guy who plucks his nose hairs with cooking tongs, right?

See, that's what I'm talking about! He's a lateral-thinking kinda guy. You can't tell Dave Lister what to do, he's a rebel. The man finds the best tool for the job, no matter what society's conventions, and puts it to use.

And then puts it back in the drawer without cleaning it...

Listen, you can't ask a genius of Davey's calibre to stick to that kinda conventional thinking.

I'm sorry - did you say genius?

I sure did. He's a talented guy - have you heard The Indling Song? It's a masterpiece!

How did that go again?

Our love I tried to kindle
Like firelight it dwindled
Now I wonder when this wind'll
Ever stop...

Oh, yeah, right, that Indling Song.

You think about the hacks who make fortunes offa their 'music' - fast buck merchants like Beethoven and the Beatles - and all the time we have this true artist right under our noses. Such heartfelt, honest lyrics. I mean, don't tell me that song didn't move you.

It did make me want to run screaming from the room...

Have you found that bread yet?

I think we may have run out. How about a nice waffle instead?

Hell no, I wanted toast.

Maybe a muffin?

No.

A croissant?

No.

A yummy bagel?

No.

I know - a scrummy crumpet.

Are you kidding? Listen my little red friend, you could be so much more than this. There's so much more to life than grilling bread - toasting's for losers! Don't you have ambitions?

Sure I do - to be a four-slice toaster, not just the regular two.

Anything else?

Not really.

You could be anything - a jockey, an astronaut, a surgeon. Why settle for crisping other people's bread?

I happen to like my job. All I wanted was to give you some lovely hot toast. Dammit, I was so close!

Hey now, don't get so upset. It's not your fault. Bread runs out, life goes on. Look on the bright side...

What's the bright side?

You've met Dave "The Dude" Lister! How lucky are you!

I didn't feel so lucky when he smashed me to pieces with a 14lb lump hammer...

Oh, if only he'd pour that affection on me. I'd be honoured if he'd smash me into oblivion with a hammer. Even just a regular hammer.

You're pretty weird, you know that?

In my defence, I actually do know that.

So how do you feel about Paranoia, the negative side of Lister who was hallucinated at the same time as yourself?

That troublemaker. Ah man, there's a guy who just plain brings me down. What kinda life is that for a guy? Paranoia lived to undermine Davey, always keeping him down. Can you imagine - spending your entire life devoted entirely to disliking someone?

Have you met Rimmer...?

Paranoia was a troublemaker and he deserved to die.

Oh yeah, I forgot - you killed him, didn't you?

I sure did. Fed him through the waste grinder and flushed every bit out into space. It looked kinda cool, drifting through space all pinky-red. The Paranoia Nebulae.

Okay, now you're putting me off my grilled bread products. How did you get on with the other Red Dwarf crew members?

I gotta be honest, when you're faced with Dave "Mr Perfect" Lister, you don't really look around at the lesser guys. That Rimmer guy hung out more with Paranoia. Oh, but I'll tell you what, I did kinda dig the Cat's 'tude.

Typical. Tell me about the two guys Lister based your appearance on.

Ah, well my appearance belongs to the manager of the London Jets - a guy with impeccable taste, clearly. You gotta love the gold medallion look. My voice, though, belongs to Bing Baxter, the American game show host. You know, he's the guy from That's My Chromosome and GELFs Win Prizes. They're the things Dave "The Diva" associates with confidence.

For smeg's sake - how many middle names can Lister have?

As many as he likes - he's the king!

Thank you Confidence. One final question - would you like some toast?