Ace Rimmer's deadly nemesis, Captain Voorhese, and his pet crocodile Snappy chew over old times with Talkie Toaster.

Name:	Captain Meinhard Voorhese
Occupation:	Arch Enemy
Qualifications:	Loyal but incompetent henchmen; own crocodile; unloved by mother.
Distinguishing Marks:	Crocodile teeth marks - pretty much everywhere.
Ace's Notes:	His men ruined my best top, dammit! Saving the universe from unspeakable evils is one thing, but it plays havoc with a man's wardrobe.

Captain Voorhese - would you like some toast?

Oh please. As you only have a few minutes to live, you may call me Meinhard.

Oh, thank you. Now, "Meinhard"... I'm sorry, did you say "only a few minutes to live?"

Yes, but don't mind that now. Continue with your mind-blowing interrogation.

Gulp... Um, tell me how you began your quest for world domination.

Well, like any soldier I worked my way up. When I was young, I merely wanted to be ruler of my bedroom - which I shared with my brother, Klaus. Eventually I took control of the room and -

Sorry, how did you do that?

A trail of sweets, a busy road, an articulated lorry - it's a long story. But it has a happy ending - victory. The room was mine. Soon I wanted more; I wanted the whole house!

By that time I was becoming quite proficient with home-made explosives, and immediately I began working on a system of booby traps. Mother was a great deal more cunning than I had anticipated. Weeks passed - she stepped over every tripwire, evaded every attempt. It was very frustrating. I got her in the end, though - a bomb in her knitting basket. She put the two needles together and 'boom!'

Which made you ruler of the house...

Essentially. Although it was mostly a moral victory - the majority of the house having been destroyed in the blast. Unsatisfied, I planned 'street domination'. I wanted to be the ruler of Lichtenstrasse! And from there - block domination, town domination, country domination and, eventually, world domination!

Where I come from, mankind has colonised other planets, too...

Other planets? Mein got! And I haven't yet taken over this one! I must accelerate my schedule. Now I need to achieve -

Let me guess - universe domination?

Exactly! But... wait, no. You know too much.

There aren't many people who think that about me...

You will have to be eliminated. Hans, bring me a bucket of acid and a slow-moving pulley mechanism!

No, please...

You wish to beg for you life?

Please, look - I'll make you a nice toasted bagel!

No. You will be melted. Slowly. Giving me just enough time to fully explain my devious and diabolical plan to take over the universe before you are reduced to a bubbling, toaster-coloured liquid.

Wait - who came up with the 'universe' idea in the first place. Me! You can't kill me, it's my plan!

That is an interesting point. If you already know the plan, what would be the point of slowly killing you? What would I do during the lengthy period in which I would usually explain the intricacies of my scheme? Good point, little Toaster. Please, continue with the questions.

Phew. What are you currently working on?

Well, even as we speak my officers are preparing a firing squad for Princess Beryl Bonjella. I shall be joining them shortly in my Heinkel aeroplane.

What has she done?

The princess was captured trying to flee with the stolen plans of my new top secret super-weapon. While I tortured her for information, the plans were sent out to her hero, who returned to rescue the Princess...

I think you'll find that's the plot of Star Wars.

Silence! I will not suffer these interruptions while I'm infringing on copyright! The Princess's hero was 'Ace' Rimmer. The floppy-haired saviour of infinite dimensions. Hero - pah! Even his name sounds like a low budget pornography character.

Wow, you met Ace? Is he really that handsome in real life?

Hans, the hoist!

No, no, no! Please, there's a nice hot croissant in it for you if you let me live! Tell me how you captured Ace Rimmer.

Ah, now that is an interesting story. Hold the acid, Hans! Rimmer was attempting to sabotage my super-weapon - apparently he had located a small weakness which he could attack from his spaceship...

Um, that's Star Wars again...

Whatever. He was captured, and as soon as this conversation is over I shall be flying back to
my base in order to preside over Princess Bonjella's execution.

What will become of Ace?

I will taking him with me on the plane, of course - tied up like a British youth TV presenter.

Will you be taking your pet crocodile with you?

Of course. Snappy and I go everywhere together. This was a problem when I was dating in my younger days. Somehow it scared the ladies away. And women say they are attracted to animal lovers! Maybe it's his breath...

Thank you, Captain Voorhese. One final question - would you like some toast?