She's the perfect partner for everyone, appearing as your ideal companion. Or else she's a revolting green blob with an eye on a stalk. Camille talks love and loss in our Valentine edition of Toaster Talking.

Name:	Camille
Occupation:	Pleasure GELF
Qualifications:	Genetically engineered to everyone's perfect companion - so pretty much made for the job.
Distinguishing Marks:	Depends very much on who's looking, but in neutral form Camille appears as a huge, slimy, one-eyed, tentacled blob. But still less ugly than Karl Malden. Kryten Mechanoid Summary:An androgynous pleasure GELF with great stalks. Camille was the one love of my life (except for ironing), even after she showed her true form to be a large green blob rather than the series 4000 mechanoid I believed her to be. We danced, we dined, we watched movies - but in the end she returned to her equally-androgynous husband, Hector. Camille appeared as a pretty Scouser to Mr Lister, a beautiful technician with poor exam technique to Mr Rimmer and as another version of himself to the Cat. Holly claims she didn't see anything as her screen was foggy.

Howdy doodly-doo!

Well hello.

Before we begin this interview, can you do me a favour?

Anything.

Can you stop appearing as a large loaf of thick-sliced bread?

Toast me! Toast me!

That's my point exactly. How can I concentrate on giving you a thorough interview when all I want to do is get you between my slots and heat you up?

Very well, I'll shift to my neutral form.

Switzerland?

Oh please, like I haven't heard that one before. (Transforms) Better?

Much. I mean, I could do without the green ooze, but at least I don't want to pull out a couple of your slices and make them all brown. Now then, tell me about your time aboard Red Dwarf.

I was only there a short while. The ship I had been on suffered a fuel shortage, the autopilot dropped us down on the nearest planet. Unfortunately, the planet in question was stuck in a decaying orbit that would eventually cause it to be destroyed. It's moments like that when you wish you'd sent away for the autopilot upgrade software.

Would you like some toast?

No thank you.

How about a nice hot crumpet with butter dripping down the sides?

How about I punch you on the browning knob?

Okay, okay! No need to get violent! Tell me about the rescue.

When the Red Dwarf boys rescued me, the planet was only a couple of hours from destruction. We abandoned my ship - the Penhalagen - and I suppose it was destroyed. There's another insurance claim I'll never see back.

I'd changed into my 'compatible' form when I knew there were other life-forms around. A homicidal Kinitawowi GELF is far less likely to kill you if you look like his perfect companion - in that instance another GELF who has to do her bikini line with a lawnmower.

Do you find the compatible form causes problems?

Only occasionally. I'm pretty honest about it. Simulants aren't ideal subjects - they pretty much want to kill you regardless of who or what you are, but if you become their perfect companion, it tends to be someone they can hurt a lot. Someone who lives a long time, but can be put through extreme pain.

Ouch!

That's why my husband Hector was trying to find a cure for our condition.

Ah yes, the husband! Tell me - would he like a toasted tea-cake?

I don't think so.

Very well, why did you hide the existence of Hector from the Red Dwarf crew?

I fell in love with Kryten. Well, I call it love - as you know, being a mechanoid he referred to it as 'advanced mutual compatibility on the basis of a primary initial ident.' Such a sweet guy. We didn't have long together, but had some wonderful moments. Like in Parrots, the music stopped and he just turned to the digital music scanner and said, 'Play it again, scan.'

The minute I saw Kryten, I knew I'd never feel like that again about anyone. Well, certainly not anyone with a head as flat as his. So I chose to forget about Hector.

But then he showed up...

Hector's a brilliant scientist. He has an amazing mind - it's purple and he keeps it in a jar to run tests on it. Hector has spent years researching into our condition, looking for a cure. He's like a GELF version of that chap who discovered penicillin in between writing James Bond novels. Fleming.

What prompted Hector to start his search for a cure?

Well...It's a little embarrassing. After Hector and I got married, we made androgynous love for the first time, and... well, you can imagine. Pleasure GELFs are technically both male and female. So there's quite a surplus of genitals there.

I thought that would be pretty enjoyable!

So did we, until we tried it. But it's so confusing, and it's difficult to get everything to line up at the same time.

Anyway, we thought it might be an idea to put our 'compatibility' talents to good use - one becoming the ideal partner for the other. But of course, it didn't quite work out. Your ideal partner doesn't necessarily have compatible... anatomy - not with a large androgynous green blob. So then we tried both changing at the same time.

And how did that go?

Terrible. Awful. You know how an amplifier and microphone can create a feedback loop? This was the same sort of thing. I'd transform into his ideal partner, then he'd transform into his ideal partner's ideal partner. Which meant that I'd have to appear as his ideal partner's ideal partner's ideal partner. And so ad infinitum.

I imagine that got pretty tiring...

Life-forms are so complex - what we want is so rarely what wants us. By the time we finally appeared as two absolutely compatible beings we were too tired for any... recreation!

Finally, as someone who has experienced the Red Dwarf crew - including Dave Lister, who in my opinion has a serious toast deficiency in his diet - what did you make of them?

I was able to project myself as their object of desire. No matter what I said - which, in the case of Lister tended to revolve around complaints regarding the stench of old socks - they heard what they wanted to hear. It gives you some valuable insights into their hidden depths. Except for the Cat, obviously. He doesn't have any hidden depths. He's the kind of guy who'd find a small puddle unnervingly deep and complex.

Being Lister's ideal companion showed me that he has a need from his partner to be desired and understood - as well as the ability to down sixteen pints of lager without passing out. Kryten simply wants to be liked for himself, regardless of which head he's wearing.

And what about Rimmer?

Rimmer needs someone who looks like his sister-in-law, Janine, a model. A woman who fails just as much as he does, and who can share his interest in Hammond organ music and 20th century telegraph poles. Although, with that in mind, I suspect what he really needs is a therapist...

Thank you, Camille. One final question - would you like some toast?